And When I Die
by Miss Auriok
Summary: This story takes place right at the end of season 4. It start in canon but will go AU from there. It is SxE story.


Chapter 1

Sookie closed the door behind her softly, a soft sob escaping her lips. She felt her knees begin to buckle underneath her as she leaned against the doorway. It hurt, what she had just done, it hurt too much. She felt like there was a hole in her heart, and she had willingly put it there. She felt herself shaking her head, trying to tell herself this was all part of the plan. She needed to get away from vampire for good. This was the only way. She shuddered. Why did it have to hurt this much? Did that mean she was doing the wrong thing? Her mind flashed to the event just moments ago.

* * *

_Sookie sat on Bill's couch in his beautiful mansion, trying so much not to enjoy what was happening to her. She knew the two vampires could feel her arousal, maybe even smell it, she mused. She felt a slight tug on either side as they drew gulps of her delicious fairy blood to heal themselves. She looked at Eric to her right, the burns on his forehead fading away, but not quite gone yet._

_"Do you want us to stop?" He asked pulling away from her. She shook her head._

_"If you want us to stop..." Bill said softly next to her, his lips still on her wrist. Her eyes left Eric as she looked over to Bill, shaking her head again. He made a growling noise as he continued. She gasped slightly at the pain of it, but then moaned a few moments later. This was getting a bit out of hand, she mused to herself again._

_"Okay... I think that's enough." Eric pulled away immediately and looked at her intently, followed by Bill. The both pricked a finger, using the blood they drew, healed her wrists of any bite marks. Eric gulped slightly as he laid his hand on her wrist, his eyes open a little more than usual. She felt the touch of sadness she had been feeling since Eric got his memories back._

_She looked over to Bill, a smile playing on her lips. "You saved my life." He said proudly. Confidently. Eric, who was still watching her, felt the need to agree. "Both our lives." Bill's eyes flicked over to Eric. "It was my turn." She said laughing._

_"Thank you," Eric said as she turned to look at him again. She felt her heart flutter at the sentiment. Maybe amnesia Eric was still in there? "You don't have to thank me," Eric blinked in surprise. She felt her next words leave her before she had really thought them through, "I can't imagine a world without you in it." Eric eyes brightened at this, a smile breaking his cool mask. Uh oh. "Both of you" She said turning back to Bill. She knew hadn't really thought of Bill when she had said that, but she couldn't give Eric that hope. Bill smiled at her, but his was different. Almost like he had won a chess game. She pulled her hands away from both of them, trying to avoid the hurt in Eric's eyes as she looked back and forth between them._

_It was time for her little speech. "I can't stand this anymore." She said getting up swiftly. Leaving both vampires, sitting and staring, at her. "It's like getting ripped in half. "Eric's eyes shifted over to Bill. "No matter what I do, somebody I love gets hurt." Bill looked over at Eric, unsure, as both of their fangs clicked back in place. Leaving, suddenly, two very vulnerable men on the couch._

_Bill stood up, "Sookie, I just want you to be happy. And if being with Eric is what makes you happy..." He paused slightly. "Then you have my blessing." Sookie bristled slightly at his words. She didn't need his blessing. He didn't own her. That was Bill though, always the martyr. The war hero._

_Eric looked over to Sookie. He was no fool. He knew what he had, and there was no way in hell he would let any man, vampire or otherwise, take her from him. He smiled knowingly, getting up. "See. It's okay, Sookie." He walked to her, his hand grazing across her jaw. "Bill's fine with it." Sookie looked down, disappointed. This sounded more like the old Eric. "Bill had his chance. He blew it!" Eric said fervently, but his eyes widened slightly, suddenly afraid. "He lied to you!"_

_"To protect me." She shot back. "And I lied to him to protect you. And you have lied to both of us so many times we can't count." Eric drew away, looking wounded. She knew what she said wasn't really true. Eric may be secretive, but he had never out right lied to her about something important, like Bill had. "What a mess." She finished. Eric dropped his hands to his side as she walked over to Bill._

_"I forgive you." She said taking his hands into hers. He smiled at her. "I know you've loved me every bit as much as I've loved you. And we have both hurt each other... Just as deeply." She felt tears in her eyes as she said the next part, she hated lying. "I hope you can forgive me." Eric watched them, his eyes still wide and scared._

_"Sookie." Bill said putting his hand on her cheek. "Like I have a choice. You're the love of my life." Eric looked away, unable to bare what he knew was coming. "I know." Sookie said, "And that's just makes this harder." Eric's head shot up, unable to believe he heard what he did. Bill's face fell, hand still holding her gently. She broke away turning to the now stunned Eric._

_"There's a goodness in you that breaks my heart, because part of me always wanted you. Even before," She looked around. "Before all this." Eric smiled, "You won't be sorry." He said, looking like a child in a candy store. Sookie felt her heart tug at his face. "I already am." Bill looked towards them, as Eric looked at her confused. She rushed out her next words. Willing him to believe her._

_"The time we had was unforgettable, but it's over." She said walking away, before he could contradict her. Instead he tried to catch her, to get her to look at him. "No. It... It doesn't have to be..." She walked to the other side of the room and turned to face them both._

_"There is only one way I see this ending." Her voice cracking, "And it's me walking away with neither of you." Her eyes stayed on Bill. She just couldn't look at Eric. "Don't do this." Eric begged. _  
_"Sookie..." Bill said taking a step towards her, he shook his head._

_"This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make." Her eyes watching Eric this time. But I know this is the right one. So please," She said, her eyes begging Eric this time. Just understand. "Don't try and stop me. Either of you." She watched them for a moment, then turned and walked towards the door. She heard Eric speak up behind her. "So that's it then... You never loved me... You only loved... him." He said with a sneer. She knew he was talking about amnesia Eric. It would just be easier on him if she let him think that, so she opened the door and left._

* * *

Still leaning against the door, her sobs became heavier. It was starting to hit her hard what she had done. She just couldn't tell Eric the truth. She couldn't tell him how afraid she was that he wouldn't be the same. That he would just be the old Eric again, and that she would still love him. She was scared that she could even love such a monster.

With Bill it was different, he hid all the things that made him evil, all the bad things he had done. Eric never did that, and he never would do that. He wasn't ashamed of what or who he was. She was terrified to even think that maybe that would even be okay for her. She couldn't bare the thought that she would be okay with such a monster. Even if it was love. She knew she stilled loved him, and she knew she wanted the old Eric even more than she wanted amnesia Eric. She could never admit it him though. She had used her so called "love" for Bill as a scapegoat to get away from Eric. And now she would hurt. And maybe she wouldn't love again, but it was worth it. It was worth not giving up her humanity for him.


End file.
